Tied Together With a Smile
by raindropsandbutterflies
Summary: Everyone breaks now and then. It's easy to break. It's harder to get up though, as Kurt finds time and time again. That's where Blaine comes in. Will he be able to save Kurt? Will he even realise just how much Kurt is hurting? It's easy to fake a smile, as Kurt knows all too well. Warnings for mental illness, self harm, etc.


Kurt lie on the kitchen floor and sort of let the tears stream out his eyes, because the kitchen was where he happened to be standing when he discovered the worthlessness of life. Not bothering to sob, because that would take effort, and he was very aware that there was nothing he would accomplish by crying, so he was sort of just waiting for time to pass. It's like waiting for a train that will never come. But he was still waiting for the train. He could kill himself, but that would be too easy. And he couldn't kill himself, because that would be too much for the people that he knew. It's like being in a room with no door, except his goal was not to escape. He didn't have a goal. He was just in a room. He was lying on the floor. He wasn't sure why, but there was no better place to be. There was no place to be. He doesn't exist, and his world is very simple, and mundane, and there are no windows in the room. He's in a box. There are thousands of people in the box, or no one at all; it doesn't particularly matter. Because the people will tell him nothing more than he will tell himself. The people are people he is imagining. This means they don't exist. Either way, they don't matter.  
The box has flowers drawn on the inside. The box has landscapes of beautiful gardens. The box is black. The box is white. The box has walls. All he knows are the walls, what's painted on them is irrelevant. The box spans the universe. The box is his closet. There is the same amount of stuff in the box regardless. Everything is the box. Nothing is in the box.

_Now the box doesn't exist. The box does exist. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters._

Kurt pressed his face against the kitchen tiles as he let out another sob. He knew this was coming back; the emptiness, the desire to just disappear. What he didn't know however, was that it would be coming back with such a force, making him wish his bed would just swallow him whole…not that he could even summon up the energy to get to his bed right now though. He drew in a shaky breath and lifted himself off the floor. Blaine would be home soon.

_Ah Blaine. Sweet, beautiful Blaine. A reason to live, a reason to smile, a reason to try. He couldn't let Blaine see him like this, not when he knew how Blaine would worry about him. He didn't want him to see what a snivelling wreck he was on the inside, when he usually presented himself as the epitome of courage. _

Kurt caught a glimpse of his reflection in the oven door, and winced. His skin stung as he touched it, splotchy with dried tears and tile imprints and his eyes were swollen, giving him the appearance of a fragile doll. _Definitely not the epitome of courage. _

He managed to make his way to the shower, though he forgot just how he did it, and slowly removed his clothes, whimpering as the cold hit his now naked body. His nose wrinkled in disgust as he stared at himself in the mirror. His grossly wide girl hips, fat thighs, and flabby stomach. Blaine didn't deserve this, he deserved so much _more_ than this.

"_You're a fucking disappointment." _A voice hissed.

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block it out.

"_Look at you, I don't know what Blaine sees in you." _

He spluttered, and turned the shower on, allowing the hot water to pound down on his exhausted body. He took a deep breath but it caught in his throat as the tears threatened to emerge again. He knew he was better than this, but he couldn't seem to help it. Swallowing, he attempted to regain his composure, reminding himself that Blaine would be home any minute, and this was not the Kurt he was going to see. He ducked his head under the water stream once more before turning the shower off and climbing out, wrapping a towel around his waist. He managed to pull his sweatpants up before the bathroom door swung open, making him jump. He cursed as he turned round to face his boyfriend, now sitting cross-legged on the counter, beaming at him.

"Shit Blaine, you've got to stop doing that, you scared me." He placed a hand over his fluttering heart as Blaine hopped off the counter, pulling him into a warm hug. Blaine chuckled, pausing to stare sweetly into Kurt's eyes.

"I love you," He sighed. "I also bought pizza, if the first doesn't earn your forgiveness."

"I love you too," Kurt said hesitantly, "but I'm not too hungry…I had a big lunch." That was a downright lie. He'd skipped lunch in favour of lying on the kitchen floor sobbing his heart out, but he couldn't tell Blaine that.

"Shush. You're eating it. I bought it especially, and as my boyfriend it's part of your contract to appreciate my gifts…even if they're just pizza." Blaine shrugged, and Kurt's heart melted at his goofy smile. "Now, I'm going to get changed and you're going to set up the blankets and pillows on the couch. The contract also states it's movie night tonight, and if you read the small print, I think some snuggles are mentioned." He placed a kiss on Kurt's flushed cheek and bounced out the room, singing to himself.

Kurt sighed. He really didn't deserve this guy, he was so perfect. His smile, his talent, his _body. _What did he have to compare to that? Nothing. And that's exactly what he felt like, a nothing. An empty, useless _nothing. _He continued to get dressed slowly, favouring a baggy t-shirt over his usual one to hide his stomach, which was huge compared to Blaine's toned muscular frame. He couldn't remember a time when he didn't absolutely despise himself, but that was going to change. He was going to be beautiful, envied…_perfect. _He was going to change, to be good enough. Just wait.

* * *

So I finally wrote something. It's an angsty little thing that is pretty much just pushing my emotions through the character of Kurt, but I think I like this. I don't know. I'll update it soon maybe.

Reviews would be greatly appreciated, as would prompts of where you'd like to see this fic go.

Disclaimer- _I don't own Glee or the characters, I just borrow them. I'll give them back I guess. _


End file.
